I want to create for you something beautiful. Something
inspiring. Something real.
I want to write.
I take it back. I don't want to write. I want to paint
words. Paint something alive, please. Something that will decompose beneath
your soul and set you
free.
Something freaking worth the five minutes you spend staring
at the blunt white of a computer screen.
But before I write something, I want to be something.
I want to be something beautiful.
I want to be
something honest.
I want to be someone real.
I want to be someone
worth knowing.
Someone freaking worth the five minutes you spend staring at
the blunt white of a computer screen.
That's what I am thinking about when I am quiet.
I think, how can I be, well, how can I be someone,
someone I can live with. someone who actually likes what is
left after a hot shower washing away the make up and all of your hipster music.
I'd like to be someone I like,
before I keep on trying to be someone you like.
Because, you know. If you really knew me. That is to say, if
I really knew me, I think you'd like that more.
I took a walk the other day with one of my best friends...
The world was split into two by the sky.
To my left the clouds were painted a beautiful color of gold by the setting sun. While to my right the storm raged on. The sky lit up with the flash of electricity as it cut through the sky, and the thunderous clap that followed as the air met together was earsplitting.
All of the rain splattered windows sparkled with the light as it slowly faded away.
Admittedly, this is my favorite time of day.
The sun is setting and everything in the world is lit with a golden light.
Everything is peaceful. Everything is BEAUTIFUL.
As we walked, we talked about me.
I hate talking about me because I have a lot more problems then I'd like to admit. I like being STRONG. I like to appear as strong as they come, while inside, I'm silently screaming for someone to come along and save me.
It was during this walk, the sky split in two, that I realized the only person who can save me is myself.
Puddles splashed beneath our feet as we breathed in the fresh, crisp air that was slowly beginning to change to the cool Fall days ahead of us.
I love Fall. It's my favorite season of all. The air is so fresh. The temperature is perfect.. not too hot, and not yet too cold. Creamy hot chocolate, camp fires, cuddling, and movies make up every picture I have in my memory of Fall in the past.
I think that if you were to start a relationship with someone, Fall would be the best time to do it. There's something calming about the whole thing. There's something fresh and new in the air as the seasons roll on, there seems, to me, to be something promising in it all.
I'm terrible with relationships. You know this. I know this, and poor Bobby knows this better than anyone, and do you want to know what he said to me?
"Nik, you have got to spend some time with YOURSELF. You need to figure yourself out, you've gotta love yourself before you're ever going to be able to fully love someone else. Nik, you have to be selfish for once, you have to be selfish before you can be selfless."
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So here I go.
I have NO idea what I'm doing.
I have NO idea what to expect.
and yet, there's something beautiful in that.
(Not knowing what's going to happen.)
With my heart pounding and my mind spinning... I step into the world. I embark on a journey of self discovery. **GUYS. YOU SHOULD JOIN ME. GO ON YOUR OWN JOURNEY. SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF. MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT THINGS YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT YOURSELF. MAYBE YOU'LL LEARN TO TRULY LOVE YOURSELF. MAYBE YOU'LL PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IT'S LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE ABOUT LIFE, LOOKS, LOVE... ALL OF IT. RE-DISCOVER EVERYTHING FOR YOURSELF. Now, doesn't that sound exciting? I think so.**
I may get lost somewhere along the way, but don't worry, I'll find my way eventually.
I'll travel the world. I'll do everything that makes me happy. I'll do everything I've wanted to do, but never had the guts to do.
If you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. It's because I'm taking my friends advise. I'm spending time with myself. I'm learning to love myself... and then maybe one day I can fall in love with someone else... just maybe.
Unfortunately, I am a college student, and for the time being, I'm married to my homework.. So for now, you can find me in my cozy little corner at the local coffee shop.
I can relate nearly everything to Mumford and Sons, and this song happens to be one of my favorites. It's so incredible, and it's so fitting.
--it has so many philosophical references, it's scary.
How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Think about that.
First of all, I would like to point out that I don't understand everything, least of all the people I care about.
There are very few times in my life that I've actually know 100% of everything there is to know on a given subject. In fact, I don't think there is anything I (or anyone else for that matter) know that thoroughly.
"I am the smartest person alive, for I know that I know nothing."
What an interesting thought.
I'm very interested in the studies of philosophy.
-Why do we believe what we believe?
-Is the fire truck red?
-Where did the color red even come from?
and the dreaded question that everyone wants to invest their time in, but no one actually has the time, heart, or death wish to prove it either way.... "Is God real?"
WORD OF WARNING:
I AM ABOUT TO SPEAK MY MIND ON THIS SUBJECT. I have to put my two cents in, not that it really means anything to anyone, and I have NO idea if what I say is going to be true for you, however, it's WHAT I BELIEVE. Don't get offended, alright?
--if you're worried about it, just stop reading. It won't hurt my feelings, in fact, I won't even know.--
Just because I feel this way about the world, does not mean that you need to follow in my path. Trust me, it's kind of a scary place to be, and admittedly, I don't think many people can stand where I am.. all simply because I asked some questions.
I was Mormon from the day I was born. [[technically since I was baptized in the crystal clear water at the age of 8, but who really wants to get technical.]]
I believed so strongly in everything that was said.
I believed in the way people acted.
what people said.
what they testified.
I believed in a man who was sacrificed to save me.
Turns out... once a turned the beautiful age of 18, my curiosity got the best of me.
People always told me that the church isn't the people in the church, the church is the church. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but, in the church you learn from the people. The doctrine is testified by the people. It seems to me the church is the people. The people are the church, and from what I've seen, I don't want anything to do with the church... from what I've seen... I can't believe what the people have said. I needed to find things out on my own and so I did something about it...
I did exactly what they told me not to do.
..... I ASKED A QUESTION.
I'm not even going to begin to tell you the things I found. Mostly because, if you're comfortable living in your religion (namely mormons) I am not going to open up a hole for the facts to creep into. You'll thank me for that.
Now. Here's the deal.
I BELIEVE THERE IS A GOD.
There are to many amazing things in this world for me NOT to believe in that statement.
But, it is exactly that statement that made me have the biggest issues with the church.
There are good people everywhere. Do you hear that? EVERYWHERE.
Someone, whom I will not name, told me one day:
"The only good people in this world, you will find in the LDS church."
THAT IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULL SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD.
The fact is, many LDS people have this incredibly large tendency to think that, because they hold the title "Mormon", they are a better person than the next guy.
The statement this man made, is the perfect example of this common occurrence. Someone thinking that they're better then everyone else because they're mormon. I have never been so taken aback, and yet I shouldn't have been. I know that's how they work.
... and I'm sorry that I'm labeling the whole mass of Mormons as "holier than thou" people, but that's just my opinion after living in this dreaded place for 18 years. Such a large statistic of the Mormons I've met have this state of mind (9 out of 10 or even 99 out of 100 come to mind). It's just the way it is.
You live by: WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
as you... talk badly about others,
judge them for their transgressions,
and hate people for being different.
I could be wrong but, I don't think Jesus would do that.
YOU HAVE ALL MESSED UP BEFORE TOO.
JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE SIN DIFFERENTY
DOES NOT GIVE ANYONE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE THEM.
JUST FREAKING GET OVER IT.
(I still love you, but really guys? It's not necessary. Does it make you feel better about yourself or something? If it does... that's pretty messed up.)
So what I have a few tattoos and drink coffee.
Does that really make me a bad person?
Now that I've done my fair share of rambling, here's the deal.
If God is as loving as everyone says he is,
I DO NOT THINK HE CARES IF YOU'RE LDS OR NOT.
If you are an honestly good person, and you try your best throughout your life, I really don't think God is going to look at you and say "hey, you did great out there, but you're not LDS so you're not welcome here until you change that."
I think He is going to be proud of us either way.
I think He will love us either way.
In all honesty, I am not a big fan of religion, in case you didn't catch that.
I love talking (debating, really) about this and gaining new knowledge and opinions on what other people think, so if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.
ALSO, I recently watched a video about this man that basically hates the world and has a "slap in the face" comment for absolutely anything and everything a person can say. Everything he says, makes perfect sense and every point he makes is completely logical. This content is not for the weak of heart, though, so if you're worried about that, or if you know you can't handle it, PLEASE DON'T WATCH IT. I'd hate to cause turmoil in your life because of a simple suggestion. If you love learning, and if you're a logical person, look him up. It's fascinating. --you can also find him on netflix. That's right, Netflix. That's how great this guy is. He's the real deal.--
GEORGE CARLIN
this has nothing to do with my post.. well sort of.
I have this friend who is fascinating. He always has something to say, and he ALWAYS says it.
He rubbed off on me a lot. A lot, a lot.
(as far as my views on religion go... and basically everything else in life. He's a pretty quoteable guy)
We used to sit and talk about things like this for hours. It was one of my favorite things in the world.
xoxo nikki
GUYS. YOU MUST CHILL.
I don't hate mormons. I realized that it sounded like I really hate them. Honestly though, I think in theory what they believe is fantastic. If that's what you believe and you were offended, I'm sorry. That was not my intention. I know MORMONS still great people. I just don't agree with some of the things they do or the way they act. --granted I don't think they agree with anything I do or say. Which is fine.
If you've believed the mormon church (or something else for that matter) your whole life, don't start questioning it now.
It's a lot harder to question what you've believed your entire life.
If you feel the need, leave a comment explaining your opinion. I'd really love to hear it. (just refrain from being intentionally rude. Like I said before, this is all just my opinion. Don't take it as fact, and if you don't want to, don't take it to heart.)
You see, Time does not exist in my world right now.
As the clouds pass, ever so slowly, time is falling
backwards.
Want to know how?
It is because I am traveling towards sunshine.
Sunshine, in fact, is not capable of leaving you if you are
traveling 9,000 miles an hour towards it.
According to my specific calculations, I am, in theory,
Sunshine.
Did you hear that? I am sunshine.
It is tucked away into the ducts of my eyes, the scalp of my
head, fitted into my ears; between my toes, underneath the turquoise of my
chipped nail polish.
It is the first thing I see when I wake, and falls somewhere
between my eyelids and the place where I dream every night.
I am the earth beneath a dirty old flip flop. I am the heat
of friction rubbing against my bare skin and a wooden board, created to ride
the ocean. I am tangled hair, tossed with sea salt and hotel-mint. I am the
butter melted on a piece warm, thick, banana bread sold at a local shack, the
cool ice finely shaved into a brightly colored paper cup. I am the chill that
runs right down your spine when your skin is a deep shade of burnt maroon. I am
a planted foot at the base of that board. I am a real smile, one that starts
within, and reaches the brown of your eyes, before it ever intends to show its
warmth near the mouth. I am all adrenaline as the energy of the water propels
from behind.I am the moment of silence,
of stillness as a foot is planted at the base of the board and that awfully
rare, feeling of excitement and accomplishment rushes into my throat and fills
every inch of my unsettled stomach as I soar for my first time across the
pavement. I am the muted ache of the bones in the lower back as one sits
huddled over the last few pages of a captivating novel. I am the coloring of
the fish, as the beady black eye scans the blue of my shaking flipper. I am a
good night’s sleep.
I am a hole deep within being filled with something that
could be described to be very much what the English call; sunshine.
So what someone's different....
So what they made a mistake..
Hell, I've made plenty of mistakes, and look at me.
I think I'm pretty awesome.
Sometimes I think living in a Mormon community is worse than living in the real world..
sometimes....
Granted, I've never lived in the real world.
AMERICAN FORK UTAH, BORN AND RAISED.
But I've seen my fair share of movies and tv shows and I can guess what the real world is like.
HAHA.
SEX.
DRUGS.
PORN.
PROSTITUTION.
ACCEPTANCE.
DIFFERENCE.
Yes the real world has a lot of shit in it. And yes, I truly believe that if we sent half of our
high school out there, they'd be gone within minutes. They just don't understand. I don't understand.
But I wonder... Is demanding perfection from every single individual any better...?
Driving a person to the brink... because they think it's the only way out.
They pop a few pills and wait for their end. All because of what you said. All because they made a mistake.
You know who you are. And I know you've made mistakes too.
You have picked on people ruthlessly. You have dug your own grave in the hearts of hundreds.-- If not more.
You were the cool kid. You have "high morals" as you try drugs, drink some alcohol, and screw the high school "slut". [[Which is hardly fair for her. She just wants to be loved... she just wants to be cared about for the first time in her life... and you treat her like a piece of meat.]]
The audacity within you... to accuse someone of making a horrible mistake-- when you don't even know the whole story... absolutely amazes me.
Take into account how many lives you've single handedly ruined... [[including mine]] and then add what you and your "posy" has done, and you'd turn that finger right around, tuck your tail between your legs, and run away... far away.
Driving someone to attempt the most selfish of all things... is unspoken of, and yet it happens daily.
Judging.
Bullying.
Pushing.
Mocking.
Hating.
and for what?
What does that do for you...?
Do you feel special?
Do you feel wonderful about yourself?
You hurt someone so badly, they tried to take their own life..
Are you happy now...?
In the end.. the only judgment that matters is Gods.
I know I've made plenty of mistakes.
I know that I'm probably the farthest thing from perfect.
But I also know that I care.
I care about those who are picked on.
I care about those who see no way out.
I care about those who are throwing their lives away because of a rumor.
an ex.
a picture.
a person.
And even though I've been bashing on you...
I care about you too.
I care about what you'll become.
And I'm worried what the world will do to you once you get out of high school. You won't be the biggest or the badest.
You think you're a badass... but wait until you run into a real badass, guns usually end lives.. especially in the hands of one of them.
You might run your mouth at the wrong person... and it will be your end.
I'll cry for you. I'll cry because I never had the guts to stand up to you in high school.
I never told you to grow up.. and I never helped you.
This post is a rambling one.
It's sort of pointless.
But, for now, it's my thoughts down on paper.
[[figuratively of course]]
and now I've got to take action.
In the words of a really good friend...
Jesus said love everyone. JUST DO IT. It's really not that hard.
No one is perfect. Not even you. --Yes you.-- Don't judge people because they're different.
Embrace that difference and love everyone.
Through diversity we become stronger.
So why is it that we strive so hard to be the same?
Why do you try so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?
Recently I've contemplated a few things concerning life; namely, love.
Wikipedea describes love as.....
an emotion of strong affection and
personal attachment. Love is also a virtue
representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection
Answers.com said...
[Love is...] A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
Many have written about love.
Many have studied it.
Arguements are based upon it,
and philosophies are created about it.
Thousands of pages, dedicated to understanding and controling love.
So many embark on the journey of love and come up short or even empty handed; been there done that. It's not fun. Taylor Swift lyrics are often heard blasting through the headphones of girls, occasionally boys, of all ages, each song colored with the many emotions that love creates within us; so typical. I know that I've mocked them on numerous occasions, but at times I come to love them and actually [[to my surprise..]] relate to them.
Have you ever just wanted to give up on love? Finding love... searching for love.... waiting for love to come around so that you could finally be happy?
I did that.
I turned my back on love.
[[Not forever, just for a while; I needed to figure life out; you understand]]
....and then on my 18th birthday... I ran into him.
--Love finds you when you're not looking.--
Sometimes you CAN'T control it.
When you're least expecting it, it'll slap you in the face becuase it thinks it's humorous for some unfathomable reason. --I'll admit, when it's not happening to me. I laugh. It is actually quite comical.-
"I don't know a lot about love, but I think I finally understand why people want it so much... It's the closest thing we have to magic."
If there's one thing I know for certain, it is this:
Falling in love is never an easy task. Most of the time it's really really hard; so hard in fact, you might want to give up hope on it all together.
"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."
-The Notebook
Loving unconditionally is never easy. Loving without expecting anything in return... is terrifying..
My Definition of True Love:
A burning feeling of a million words, yet no way to be described. It just is..
I want to fall in love. I want to be loved.
I may not understand it.. and it may make me more vulnerable than I'd like,
but it's something new, it's something I may be ready to try again.. Maybe, just maybe.
