Maybe I Act on Confused Behavior

This essay was particularly hard for me to write. It wasn’t the experience that was hard, although the recanting of it was something of a challenge; feeling the pain all over again. What made it hard was choosing something within me that I wanted to be remembered for. Truth be told, I don’t see anything worth remembering. I’m just an average girl. I’m not particularly beautiful, my writing isn’t that great, I have countless imperfections, and to be honest, I mess up a lot. I’ve made plenty of bad choices, which I’m sure will color the minds of many in remembering me. After a long period of thought, though, I finally came up with something of importance to myself; my strength, and my attitude when I’m placed in difficult situations. As a seventeen year-old, I’ve encountered numerous events which have formed me into the woman I am today. One such event occurred my sophomore year of high school.
Today my nephew of eighteen tried to kill himself. He drank a hardening fluid that is used on hard wood floors. It landed him in the I.C.U in critical condition, and I cried. I had spoken to him just moments before he left for lunch; just before it happened. I had a prompting to go with him, but I pushed it aside (the lord gave me someone to save, just as I had prayed for, and I blew it off.) I realize it wasn’t my fault for what had happened, but I also realize I could have stopped it. I cried, I screamed, I remember gasping for air. Running a little faster, a little harder, hoping that if I pushed myself it would push him to recovery; or at least stop the pain that was pooling in my heart. The phrase “you never know what you have until it’s gone”, flashed across my mind, and I realized how much I love him.
I hated it; the pain, the feeling of helplessness. The thought occurred to me that this was the devils bidding because god would never have taken away the most precious thing he’s given to all of his children, life, or at least he wouldn’t take it away in such a painful, self-inflicting way. I soon thereafter made it a goal of mine to never let “him”, Satan, win another battle like this. Never let him take a life or hurt anyone I loved. He must be stopped, and I have to be strong and set an example. Take the first step, and hopefully I’ll be lead in a direction that will allow me to strengthen those who find themselves weaker than they’d hoped to be. Help the souls who are struggling with life and can’t see any hope to go on. I want to be remembered as a strong woman who loved people enough to suffer with them, to lead them through the tough times, because I’ve been in them myself. I know what it’s like. I want to be remembered smiling through the hard times, having a good attitude that turns dark situations into something less intense; something bearable.  The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it, and so it is with you, we are in charge of our attitudes.
Who I am isn’t defined by my beauty or my accomplishments. It’s what I make of life and the struggles that I’ll face by living it. I know I won’t be remembered for being beautiful or brilliant or even a gifted writer. Years from now no one will remember that mountain of a zit on my forehead or that “F” I got on a test or even that I didn’t ask anyone to Preference my senior year; things like that won’t matter. However, the way I aided my family and friends and acquaintances through life; the way I was there for them no matter what; that will be remembered. In the end, if my friends and family think of me and smile, I’ll know I’ve lived a good life.

xoxo nikki